Spotlight on after-school special theatre

After-School Special Theatre is a collective of best broads dedicated to creating theatre that follows the "Do It Yourself" motto. By a large majority we write, act, market, produce and direct all of our own work, which often finds its home performed in public spaces. We want to view theatre through the eyes of the audience, and aim to make our shows feel like a party that everyone is invited to. As a team, we value theatre that is accessible, bizarre, and experimental.

After-School Special Theatre was founded by Tori Lassman, Anna O'Connell, Chloe Hayat, and Gabriella Sprenkle out of a desire to continue producing and sharing our own exciting works of theatre and media. The main priority for many of our shows is FUN—we want our audience to feel included, and encourage them to come out of their comfort zones and get silly.

Our shows are usually conceptualized around what we want our audience’s experience to be, and who we want them to become. Our process begins with gathering together to write what we like to call a ‘loose’ script of our show, and then from there improvising off of that structure. We leave a good amount of room for improvisation in our scripts because so much of it is based off audience involvement. Memorized dialogue is often written around these blocks of space left open for audience interactions.

Our friendship highly influences our work, as it is hard for us not to be goofy bitches. Oftentimes our scripts will feature jokes to each other (as you’ll see in our excerpt for Trauma-O-Rama), or Anna O’Connell will secretly write into the script that we all make out in the end; so, needless to say, we have to double-check our scripts before submitting them to festivals. One game that we love playing during our ‘Grandma’ shows is having Anna O’Connell play surprise fart noises during the performance to see if Tori Lassman and Gabriella Sprenkle can remain in character onstage. Our shows are a wide-mouthed invitation to our friend group, which we are more than happy to share with anyone weird and interested enough.

Our past few shows, Trauma-O-Rama: The Secrets of Transcending the Millennial Mindset, and Adam’s 13th Birthday Bash have been experimentations of audience interaction. In Trauma-O-Rama: The Secrets of Transcending the Millennial Mindset, we converted our audience into followers of our contrived new age guru group, The Shades of Malum Vii. Our audience became our troubled and lost seekers who, upon entering our ‘holy’ space, were diagnosed by Malum Vii to be plagued with millennial anxiety. Each member of After-School Special Theatre was a guru within Malum Vii and represented a specialist of a particular millennial anxiety. Mustard, played by Gabriella Sprenkle, was the guru of sex and love; Ivory, played by Chloé Hayat, was wealth and success. Lilac, Anna O’Connell, was social media, and Magenta, Tori Lassman, was health and wellness. Malum Vii’s solution to reaching spiritual enlightenment was to “practice finding your triggers, embracing them, and living in your own worst case scenario everyday.”

Each Malum Vii led a workshop based on their guru specialties that our audience of followers had to take part in. Some activities included Mustard holding a 3-minute date with an audience member in which she describes all of her worst features, and her date, Magenta, leads a ‘mystical movement meditation’ workshop where she had audience members do yoga positions as she made her followers imagine their parents dying in front of them. Lilac showed the audience how to improve their social media by posting the least attractive pictures of themselves they can find and badly edit. The performance ended in a traumatic duel between Magenta and Ivory, as we find out that Ivory is trying to embezzle money from the group and Magenta is just generally unstable. All the members of Malum Vii have a panic attack on stage and the audience of seekers has to choose whose side they are on by screaming either HOOTIE or WOOTY.

EXCERPT — “TRAUMA-O-RAMA: THE SECRETS OF TRANSCENDING THE MILLENNIAL MINDSET” AT PINEAPPLE GDNYC

As the music continues, Malum Vii all stand. They begin to perform a synchronized dance.

The members of Malum Vii stand on stage, catching breaths after their introduction dance.

MAGENTA. Welcome!

Applause from Cast and maybe audience.

MUSTARD. To the best decision!

Applause/pause.

IVORY. You have ever made in your life!

Applause/pause.

MUSTARD. To ‘Trauma-O-Rama’:

IVORY. The Secrets to Transcending the Millennial Mindset.

MAGENTA. All of the profits of this conference our going to the incredible charity ‘Charity for Clarity’. Helping thousands of people everyday become aware of charity AND clarity.

LILAC. It is such an honor to support that organization, and to see all of your bodies. My identity is Lilac.

MUSTARD. I am Mustard.

IVORY. You may call me Ivory.

MAGENTA. And I, Magenta. We are The Shades of Malum Vii.

LILAC. It is no secret that we are experiencing a Spiritual Recession.

IVORY. A lack of success, confidence, star-power,

MUSTARD. A lack of love and mutual climax,

MAGENTA. Failing health. A disconnect from bodies, minds and hearts.

LILAC. A loss of followers, of fame, and of late night DMs.

IVORY. And we are here to put an end to all of that.

MUSTARD. And She knows what She’s talking about.

MAGENTA. ...We are here to supply you with the tools to change your life for the good- for forever.

LILAC. To give you not only knowledge, but friendship. Someone to hold and kiss and to whisper to-/ gently at night

MUSTARD. You could say we’ve fallen prey to the Fame Monster. Our video, ‘how to kiss your inner child’ has gone completely viral, being shown in classrooms and museums across the country.

MAGENTA. We as Malum Vii dedicate our practice to finding your triggers, embracing them, and living in your own worst case scenario.

LILAC. Our brows are third eyes: symbolizing us giving into effortless living.

IVORY. Everyone in this room is completely insignificant. None of you matter. And yet, the true and just path of life eludes you. Malum Vii eludes you.

MUSTARD nods in emphatic agreement.

MUSTARD. Life isn’t derby racing and town halls anymore. This isn’t 2002. We don’t have the same worries, the same daily crises, as those who came before us. And that’s why we’re here to help you overcome

ALL. THE FOUR PRIMARY ANXIETIES of the Millennial Life.

IVORY. (laughing annoyed LIKE THE BITCH CHLOE IS) THE FOUR PRIMARY ANXIETIES of the Millennial Life. We will solve your personal weaknesses, and give you the tools to transcend every millennial anxiety in existence. . Tonight, we will be generously handing you sacred information that I have gathered throughout my soul search in our talk Trauma-O-Rama: Transcending the Millennial Mindset.

MAGENTA. Salutations Seekers of Malum Vii! Again, thank you all so much for coming. The first step of discovering Malum Vii begins in the fortress of the body. I’m here today to talk to you all about the first millennial anxiety, Health and Wellness. Every. Single. One. Of. YOU. Here. TODAY. Is. Going. To. DIE. And we LOVE that! Every single day you and everyone you love is waking up and their body throughout the day is slowly weakening. Do we have any party animals here today? Raise your hand if you like staying out all night? Having one too many at the bar? Smoking cigarettes and doing pot? Doing a couple of lines and getting fucked in the bathroom? Let’s face it, millennials love a good time. But guess what, those good times turn to bad times QUICK. You say to yourselves ‘oh it’s the weekend, oh it’s a tuesday, oh I’m sad what’s another night out?’ WRONG. Time is slipping away from you and it’s screaming WAKE UP. I’m about to get real for a moment. Are you ready Seekers? I stand before you today 3 weeks sober. (She waits for people to clap). Yes, thank you. Yes, thank you. Before I found Malum Vii I would guzzle any bottle, swallow any pill, slam down on any dick just to get that angry fix. But that all has changed now thanks to Malum Vii. Connect.

Let’s begin our movement meditation, what I call Mystic Movement Mediations with Magenta. Seekers, everyone cover your face with your hands and repeat after me. I have no arms, no legs, I am completely hairless. I have no eyes or ears or mouth. Absolutely no neck. I have no nipples or my sex. Just this. This here. Now. Now that, that is health. Ok. Now breathe into that emptiness.

(She fire breathes over and over again).

Now let’s take a deep breathe into what I call Hungry Hips. Let’s loosen it all up. (She begins to move her hips in vicious circular motions). Everyone follow me. Yesssss. Ohhh like jelly. Ok. Now. Shhhh. Shhhh. Come on a journey with me around the world. A child. No more than 5 years old. Her poor baby body bloated from the oxygen of starvation. Her ribs poking out like prison bars against her dying skin. She sits at the side of the road. Chaos and war all around her. AHHH! Hungry. Ohhhh yess. Like jelly. She cries out “feed me I am dying!” but no one is there. Picture yourself. Full. Yummmmmmm. So much food in front of you that you cannot even take one more bite. Visualize this dying child that you will never be able to feed. There is nothing you can do to help her. You are so full. She dies. Ohhh keep going. Faster. And just like that another dead child. And another. And another. You are useless. Let’s really rotate into that.

Ok. Now that we are all loosey goosey let’s take that into what I call the Orphan Squat. (she does a deep squat stretching). I want everyone to take a deep breathe and imagine their guardians on their deathbeds. The hands that raised you shriveled like raisins, shaking. Clawing onto the rims of their hospital beds to just hold on. You see a dim light in their eyes, slowly trickling out. When will you pull the switch? Ohhh yesss deeper. Further. Yesss. They try to speak to you but their words are nonsense. You know their time is ticking. The doctors all look at you like waiters waiting to hear your final order. You look one last time into their eyes, their lips are so dry and pale and their tongue sticks to their mouth when they try to speak. All they have left is molding gums. “Kill me now my child” they whimper. Ohhhh ohhh ohhh let’s get a little deeper of a stretch here. Yesss. Open it all up. Breathe. You look at the man in the apron. He knows what to do. He pulls the switch and you are an orphan. You have no one now. Really squat into that nothingness. Deeeeeper. Let’s take a breathe here.

Yessss ohhh that felt good. Now let’s take a moment to reflect into what I call Standing Solitude. (She does warrior 1 or tree position). Feel all those tight spots on your body. They’re only getting tighter as you age. Your bones are becoming brittle. One day you’ll try repeating this position and you’ll fall to the floor because your legs can no longer hold you. If you live that long. All those crazy nights out have finally caught up to you. Imagine yourself looking down at your body. “I don’t recognize these tits, this hanging skin, these growths” you say. “When did I get so old?” You cannot even wipe your own ass. You go in a diaper with no shame in front of your entire family. They’re ashamed of you. You disgrace yourself. You can never find your keys and your phone and they hate you for it. This is what you have to look forward to. Breathe into this solitude. Mmmmmm. Yessss. This is real. Connect.

MUSTARD. Seekers! How is everyone feeling on this blessed day? I know for a fact you have been slapped in the face and have been WOKEN UP from the two presentations you just saw. And if you haven’t please feel free to smack yourself in the face anytime during this presentation. Now, I am your Love expert. My name is Mustard and I welcome you to the Love portion of your Malum Vii experience. It’s not a surprise to say that Love is one of the main millennial anxieties. As Millennials, we pretend that dying alone isn’t a constant fear but statistically millennials will die alone out of every single other generation before and after us. Scary, right? I'm just stating facts. Don’t try looking this up because you cannot find this information on the internet. I was given this information by my top secret source and it is a fact that Millennials will die alone. Now, what do we do? How can we meet people, date, fall in love, if we know that dying alone is inevitable? Today, I am going to give you The ESSENTIAL TOOL to date as many people and experience love without the years and years of pain and heartache. If we know we will all die alone, we won't have to live our lives searching for “the one” because “the one” doesn’t exist! I know this information is hard to swallow but LIFE, unlike semen or cüm, IS HARD TO SWALLOW.

Before I dive right into things, a bit about me, I have wasted years of my life searching for the person I’m going to die with. I’ve dated people for years and years and it took far too long to figure out their flaws and how wrong they were for me. That’s why I created the 3 minute relationship. You can find out a lot about a person and your relationship with them in only 3 minutes. This saves you so much time and you can have fun with new people and date hundreds of people for only 3 minutes. The secret to my 3 minute relationship is to immediately point out the other persons flaws and personality traits you know will be problematic. This saves you so much time!! Now, I have been in over 200 relationships thanks to the 3 minute relationship program. *claps*

Now, today I’m gonna make it 201! Who here today wants to experience a 3 minute relationship with Mustard??

Who’s here was given a mustard shade reading when you walked in?

*picks out someone from the audience to begin the 3 minute date. Starts the timer*

Starting talking points

So this is where you chose to take me on our 3 minute relationship? See I can already tell that everything will be about you and you won’t have the decency to pick a place I want to go to. See I can already tell you will be a very selfish lover.

*date will end in Mustard crying and screaming at the audience participant*

Tell me about yourself,

What is your sign?

What’s your biggest flaw?

What’s my biggest flaw?

END DATE.

EXCERPT — “ADAM’S 13TH BIRTHDAY BASH” AT PINEAPPLE GDNYC

Adam walks over to TJ, who is vaping and looking bored.

ADAM: Hey bro.

TJ: Sup, virgin?

ADAM: HAH! That’s a good one. Anyway you got any of that buddha on ya today?

TJ: Why? You said the smell made you nervous.

ADAM: Yea, nervously wrecked. Anyway, bro, some girls here were saying they wanted to smoke and I know you’re good for that green.

TJ: Did mom tell you to ask me that?

ADAM: No! Fuck mom! I hate her! She’s been on the phone all night anyway. This girl, her name is Jennie- she’s pretty bangin and she wants to smoke with me. I thought you could help me out- big bro to lil bro.

TJ: Which one is she?

ADAM: The girl that I was just talking to. She’s really out of my league so I think the weed will give me an in. Can you hook it up?

TJ: Oh, I see you, brother. I’d hit it and quit it. But I’m not about to give up my green. This is like Narc City, 90210. But I’ll help you out with getting your dick wet for the big 1 3. I don’t even remember when I got mine sucked off for the first time, I was so young. But 13 is pretty respectable. I’d be proud to call you my brother.

ADAM: Cool cool.

ADAM and TJ are interrupted by JUNIPER, PUSSY, and BILLY AGNES

STONE taking the stage. ADAM’S MOM is on the cellphone, not paying attention.

JUNIPER wears a tissue box strapped to her vaginal area. BILLY AGNES STONE makes animal/ woodland creature sounds.

JUNIPER: Hullo hullo modern witches, warlocks, and all the woodland genderless sprites in between. On our journey here after seeing many New Jersey highway underpasses, I reflected on my girlish youth; particularly my first experience with a man, Reece “The Fist” Walkins. He was 6 years older than me and sold incense off the side of the highway, but still couldn’t light my fire. This was no isolated incident. I spent many years traveling meeting heterosexual men of varying sizes and demeanors, but one thing was always the same: I was left with just some apple juice money and a burning sensation in my labia minora. Many afternoons I found myself asking for a miracle. My body was a sad mystery. Until one day, in my late twenties, on a mule in Napoli, Florida I hit my spot, literally. They had to pull me off that mule believe me that was the last time she was gonna be able to trot up Blue fountain mountain again. This is a little magic show we’ve been taking across the tri-state area called “¿Donde Esta Mi Clitoris?”. These days, a man finding a lady’s sweet spot is like a modern day magic trick. This experience will change that. Adam, this year, your aunt and her partners are giving you the most valuable gift- the gift of the female orgasm. We know there’s gotta be at least one gal in here you want to rub you down- but rubbing goes both ways. We present: ¿Donde Esta Mi Clitoris?

JUNIPER lays on the floor with the tissue box.

PUSSY reaches in while BILLY AGNES STONE chants/sings and dances.

PUSSY, while JUNIPER’s moans grow, pulls out slowly a long piece of ribbon.

ADAM’S MOM, at this moment hears what is going on and ends her phone call.

ADAM’S MOM: What in the hell is going on here? Joshua? Where were you when this was going on? You let this whore do this disgusting display AGAIN and this time, at OUR boys 13th party?

JUNIPER, PUSSY, AND BILLY AGNES STONE GASP

ADAM’S DAD: I’m sorry Patricia, but I’m just trying to support YOUR sister. You know, don’t you forget that this act helped me out a few years ago. Adam needs to know these things. Before we know it he’s going to be comin’ home with little ladies, maybe even one in a denim skirt. (ADAM’S DAD winks at ADAM as ADAM cringes).

TJ: He wishes.

ADAM’S MOM: Unbelievable. I’m sorry, everyone. Please excuse my sister. She knows not what she does- she has a brain injury that makes her a repulsive human being.

ADAM’S DAD: Family is important. I made sure to invite my brother even though he used to steal from us.

ADAM’S MOM: Oh yes thank god that creep is here too. What a nice family reunion.

ADAM’S DAD: Patricia.

ADAM’S MOM: (To audience) Now, let’s all please cleanse our palettes with some nice, clean juggling.

BILLY AGNES STONE: Mmmm, I would love to help you cleanse your palette *Attempting to flirt with Adam’s mom*

ADAM’S MOM: TJ, did you bring your clubs like I asked?

TJ: What? Mom, no. I’m not doing that.

ADAM’S MOM: TJ, I already bought the drug testing kit from Duane Reade. It’s in the car. It’s that or this.

TJ: Fine.

TJ comes up and juggles to the opening song of Pulp Fiction.

ADAM watches with stars in his eyes.

ADAM’S MOM makes people clap along. JENNIE and ADAM’S DAD clap along excited.

TJ gets embarrassed and stops.

He goes back to hiding in the corner and vaping.

ADAM’S MOM: Ok, that’s enough. Pussy- or whatever your name is- why don’t you play some music? This is a party after all.

PUSSY DJs again. CREEPY UNCLE starts a grind line.

ADAM starts to try grinding with JENNIE. She allows him to until he gets a boner. She gets grossed out and walks away. Adam tries running to the bathroom but before he gets there ADAM’S DAD stops him and brings him to the stage.

One show that we can’t get enough of is our ‘Grandma’ shows. Raised from hell in 2014 at SUNY Purchase College, Grandma was first invented as a wacky character to host play festivals with Ian Abernathy on campus, and now she has become the mascot for After-School Special Theatre. Grandma, simply put, is the loosest and filthiest woman alive. She's timeless, ageless, and related to you and everyone you know. She's an unstoppable force to be reckoned with—loud, raunchy, horny, and DYING. She represents our love for camp, audience interaction, creativity, thinking outside of the box, and being free. Even when we are working on non-Grandma productions, she is with us in spirit. Our most frequent Grandma production is For The Love of Grandma, hosted by Dick Cocks, a socially inept post office worker with big dreams, played by Gabriella Sprenkle. Dick Cocks is the fearless host of an interactive dating game show which strives to find Grandma a love to settle down with. Inspired by the legendary early 2000s reality dating shows Flavor of Love, I Love New York, and Rock of Love, For The Love of Grandma indulges in many of these shows’ tropes, such as renaming each contestant (except in our show they are forced to wear falsely soiled adult diapers) and creating challenges to discover who is the most deserving candidate.

We start each For The Love of Grandma show by picking out members in the audience to compete for Grandma’s love and making them wear adult diapers throughout the show. When they’re eliminated, they have to take their diaper off, thus revealing whatever fake bodily fluid we decided to fill their diaper with. Competitors in the past have had to give Grandma a sexy lap dance, play a recreated game of Baggage with made-up propositions that the contestants have to improvise and explain, and prove how well they can take care of an old woman by performing a relay race of ass wiping and spoon feeding. We aim to make our Grandma shows as gross and inviting as possible. ***Spoiler Alert: Every single For The Love of Grandma show to date ends up with her trying to fuck the entire audience, because isn’t that what theatre is all about?

Anyway, I’ll never forget the first time I laid my eye on Grandma. She used to wobble in the post office with her big, soggy box, strip down naked, and beg me to ship her to Albany to escape police custody. She told me it was because no one can be arrested in the capital of New York. Immediately after meeting this filth bag, I saw something light up in my head… “FOR THE LOVE OF GRANDMA”. A show.. With ME.. Dick Cocks as your host, searching to find Grandma, the most repulsive flappy greased up bag of skin, a permanent hand to hold that will show her the sunny side of the street… that I have never seen. We are here today to find Grandma love. What IS love? Love is… well, love is… looking into the mirror and finally seeing someone behind you.

Grandma sneaks behind him

Now, for the lady you all have been itchin’ for: my grandma and yours, Grandma!

Grandma enters and does a dance.

DICK COCKS: Hello hello, my friend. Don’t you look gorgeous.

GRANDMA: I know. It’s the chlorine.

DICK COCKS: Are you ready to find your true love tonight Grandma?

GRANDMA: I’m ready to get fucked every night Dick! If I’m not covered in discharge head to toe by the end of this show then you’re doin ya job wrong! The other day I woke up thinking ‘why am I still alive? Now I know.

DICK COCKS: Well you’re going to get a lot more than discharge Grandma. We’re gonna find you your true match tonight! Now usually, we select our competitors before the night of the show, but-- well, let’s just say we couldn’t find anyone deserving enough to accept the love of this filthy phlegm fatale. But I’m seeing a lot of hot numbers in the audience tonight that would do the trick. So do we have 3 healthy hotties who would like to compete for Grandma? Grandma’s heart is up from grabs who wants it?

Dick Cocks picks 3 audience members.

The three come to the stage.

Grandma and Dick greet them.

Grandma puts a diaper on each contestant and writes their new name on the diaper.

DICK COCKS: These diapers will serve as your name tags because when spending time with Grandma no one knows what surprises your body will secrete.

Now for our first challenge. I will ask each of you a series of questions and you will answer them with everything you have.

QUESTIONS:

1. Have you ever thought about the great beyond?

2. Describe your scent in 3 words?

3. Do you have any valuables on your person? Will you give them to her?

4. Boobies or heehaws? Be honest and diligent in your answer.

5. When is the last time you cried and why?

6. What is the first thing you ever masturbaited to?

DICK COCKS: Wow everyone here is so smart. I guess I don’t hold a candle to these folks. Should I just give up now, throw the mic into the river and walk out. Just kidding. Grandma what do you think who is goin home?

GRANDMA: I can’t choose based off their mouths movin I need some hip in there too. Grandma wants to see which of you two can make me moan like Sylvester Stallone and drip like mayo between two buns. Make me wet my diaper so bad you’ll gotta change me.

DICK COCKS: Alright. So let’s get these hips movin then. Let’s get jiggy with it. We’ll play a song and each of you will have to give Grandma a private dance to show her what ya got.

We play up to 60 seconds of a song for each contestant and they have to each give Grandma a lap dance.

Hot Girl Summer

Highway to Hell

Dick Cock’s Voicemail From a doctor telling him he’s contagious

GRANDMA: I’m as wet as a snake in a bathtub.

DICK COCKS: I stayed soft the whole time but this isn’t for me, this is for you Grandma. So who was it? Who rocked your boat?

Grandma chooses one to eliminate.

DICK COCK; Now, take off your diaper and show everyone what you’ve done. Everyone in the audience now chants “YOU DID DOO DOO”, “YOU DID PEE PEE” or “YOU DID OOPSIE”!

Lets audience chant.

GRANDMA: I’m sorry you won’t be licking my rusty dusty crusty clit tonight.

DICK COCK: As we all know Grandma is going to die pretty soon. She’s a woman whose loved and feared by millions so she needs to have a partner who she knows isn’t going to embarrass her on her funeral day. So, if Grandma dies right now what would you say up on the podium.

Each contestant comes up with a Eulogy to deliver at Grandma’s last party.

GRANDMA: Wow, I’m overpowered by the love and sensual investment you both have shown me. When I faked my death in ‘82 even the eulogy my mother gave wasn’t as nice as yours. And honestly, I would die right now just to hear it all over again. But according to Richard, there’s only room for one of you in my juicy nasty heart. So, I choose ___.

DICK COCKS: Ok! Sorry to the loser- Now take off your dipey and show everybody what you’ve done. Now everyone on the audience chant. “YOU DID DOO DOO”, “YOU DID PEE PEE” or “YOU DID BLOOD YOU DID BLOOD”!

GRANDMA: I’m sorry you won’t be licking my rusty dusty crusty musty clit tonight. Maybe tomorrow?

Contestant sits down. We are left with the winner.